you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
