Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
