I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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