I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
