i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
we're so committed to being not committed
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
