Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
