I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
