Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There's always time for handjobs
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just high enough for therapy.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
