I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
