i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
