Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
