i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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