listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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