This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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