Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
