I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
