my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
