i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
