I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
