But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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