At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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