i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
