Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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