Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
