i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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