I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
