69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
