hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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