he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We talked him into tasing himself.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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