friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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