It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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