shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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