You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Houston, we have a blender
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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