Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
