it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
