we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So much rum. So many feels.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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