My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
