there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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