I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
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After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
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I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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