It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
