Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
