i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I take back everything I said about communal showers
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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