this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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