I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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