I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
