I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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