I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
