Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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