She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
