I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
even my farts smell like vagina
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
