a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
