I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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