You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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