Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
