??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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