i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
