We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
