Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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