Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
