yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
