I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize