The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
