The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
